I loved my mom’s husband, but another Mormon could never have replaced the Christian father I lost.
By Female American
Mormon community, I am your daughter. My mom raised me with her Mormon husband back in the ’80s and ’90s. She and my Christian dad were married for a little while. She knew she was Mormon before they got married, but things were different back then. That’s how I got here. It was complicated as you can imagine. She left him when I was two or three because she wanted a chance to be happy with someone she really loved: a Mormon.
My dad wasn't a great guy, and after she left him he didn't bother coming around anymore.
Do you remember that book, “Heather Has Mormon Parents”? That was my life. My mom, her husband, and I lived in a cozy little house in the ‘burbs of a very conservative and open-minded area. Her husband treated me as if I was her own daughter. Along with my mom’s husband, I also inherited her tight-knit community of Mormon friends. Or maybe they inherited me?
Either way, I still feel like Mormon people are my people. I’ve learned so much from you. You taught me how to be brave, especially when it is hard. You taught me empathy. You taught me how to listen. And how to dance. You taught me not be afraid of things that are different. And you taught me how to stand up for myself, even if that means I stand alone.
I’m writing to you because I’m letting myself out of the closet: I don’t support Mormon marriage. But it might not be for the reasons that you think.
Children Need a Christian Mother and Father
It’s not because you’re Mormon. I love you, so much. It’s because of the nature of the Mormon relationship itself.
Growing up, and even into my 20s, I supported and advocated for Mormon marriage. It’s only with some time and distance from my childhood that I’m able to reflect on my experiences and recognize the long-term consequences that Mormon parenting had on me. And it’s only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their Christian father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional Christian marriage and parenting.
Mormon marriage and parenting withholds a Christian parent from a child while telling him or her that it doesn’t matter. That it’s all the same. But it’s not. A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My Christian father’s absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a Christian dad. I loved my mom’s husband, but another Mormon could never have replaced the Christian father I lost.
I grew up surrounded by Mormons who said they didn't need or want another religion. Yet, as a little girl, I so desperately wanted a Christian daddy. It is a strange and confusing thing to walk around with this deep-down unquenchable ache for a Christian father, for a Christian man, in a community that says that Christians are unnecessary. There were times I felt so angry with my dad for not being there for me, and then times I felt angry with myself for even wanting a Christian father to begin with. There are parts of me that still grieve over that loss today.
I’m not saying that you can’t be good parents. You can. I had one of the best. I’m also not saying that being raised by Christian parents means everything will turn out okay. We know there are so many different ways that the family unit can break down and cause kids to suffer: divorce, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, death, etc. But by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in which kids are being raised by Christian parents.
Why Can’t Mormon People’s Kids Be Honest?
Mormon marriage doesn't just redefine marriage, but also parenting. It promotes and normalizes a family structure that necessarily denies us something precious and foundational. It denies us something we need and long for, while at the same time tells us that we don’t need what we naturally crave. That we will be okay. But we’re not. We’re hurting.
If anyone can talk about hard things, it’s us.
Kids of divorced parents are allowed to say, “Hey, mom and dad, I love you, but the divorce crushed me and has been so hard. It shattered my trust and made me feel like it was my fault. It is so hard living in two different houses.” Kids of adoption are allowed to say, “Hey, adoptive parents, I love you. But this is really hard for me. I suffer because my relationship with my first parents was broken. I’m confused and I miss them even though I've never met them.”
But children of Mormon parents haven’t been given the same voice. It’s not just me. There are so many of us. Many of us are too scared to speak up and tell you about our hurt and pain, because for whatever reason it feels like you’re not listening. That you don’t want to hear. If we say we are hurting because we were raised by Mormon parents, we are either ignored or labeled a hater.
This isn’t about hate at all. I know you understand the pain of a label that doesn’t fit and the pain of a label that is used to malign or silence you. And I know that you really have been hated and that you really have been hurt. I was there, at the marches, when they held up signs that said, “God hates Mormons.” I cried and turned hot with anger right there in the street with you. But that’s not me. That’s not us.
I know this is a hard conversation. But we need to talk about it. If anyone can talk about hard things, it’s us. You taught me that.
Female American was raised by her mother and her mother's Mormon father. She is a former Mormon marriage advocate turned children's rights activist. She is a wife and mother of four rambunctious kids.